true colours.

I want this again. I want to see my different colours. I want to feel happy. I remember looking at the rainbow, all the different colours, and being able to have an emotion to match to the colour. That represented me. But now black is the light of my life. And that was never on my rainbow. But I've come to realise that this is my reality now. This is what I was meant to live through, otherwise why would I get set free of it and keep having to go through it again. I'm not going to try and brush it off, get rid of it again, because I'm just setting myself up for more pain. Honestly, I'm quite comfortable in this suffering. Because I'm so tired of defending what I've become. I woke up today realising that my life isn't so bad. It's actually okay. I'm okay. And it doesn't matter if I have to live through this. Because I'm okay. I just need some time to myself. Set apart from everybody else. Yeah, I'd love it if this was all gone. If I could go to sleep at night without these thoughts, if I could eat a meal without having to feel sick. But I need to pull myself away. I need to put up barriers. Walls. Just to see who can pull them down. If they'll pull them down. Because I'm not even sure if they will. If they're only calling for themselves, or if they really care. Because I don't want to set myself up for freedom if I'm going to come out with disappointment. I am just comfortable, and I'll be okay if I have to stay this way.