emma

As she's away at Emma's for the night, her heart is all tense. She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know what to feel. She's afraid that Emma is going to bring up things that she doesn't want to talk about. She hasn't even told Emma about what she had done that only Holly has seen. She's felt as though at one point in time she's needed to tell Emma, but she felt convicted. That was only her head playing tricks on her. But she always believes them.
She remembers how in love with her God she used to be. She remembers how happy she used to be. But for some reason she doesn't want to go back. She's afraid to let go because she's been in this place for too long. Yes, she wants to be okay. For them. Yes, she wants to be happy. For them. But she doesn't know how to be. She doesn't know how to feel anything above what she's feeling. Anything above this. She's noticed that tonight with Emma, she hasn't been so real. She's held back. She's been pretending. And she doesn't know why. She wants to be real with Emma, too, but for some reason her heart always tenses up at the thought of telling Emma this one thing. She doesn't get why. And it frustrates her. If only she could tell Emma all that Emma wanted to know. But she couldn't. One day she will. Just like one day she'll be different.
There's always two sides of a rainbow.