no more pain

Sometimes, just sometimes, this is the only thing that keeps me together. I feel like my heart is about to fall out of my chest. So I need to hold my self together. Literally.
Breathing becomes harder. Struggling to find the reason to keep it going, but as I start to feel my chest suffocate, I gasp, I jump, and I remember.
I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to have nothing to live for.
I want to constantly be surronded by those I love, just so I wont do anything. But I can't. I need to do this on my own. I don't like them seeing me trapped.
I just have to keep this curtain closed, and as they try to open it, I have to hide away. No more pain.