January 25th, 2010

You know when you've done something right, something good, and you just feel like a complete hero in dirguise? You feel like you've just won your very own award, and the prize is pure happiness?? Strangely enough, I've encountered this feeling again. Again being today. Right now. And the funny thing is, I haven't done anything good, or anything right. Everything useless and done with carelessness or disgust. Mistakes made in every aspect/every corner of my life. But I feel content. I am content. I actually think it's safe to say that I am happy. And I wont let you change that.
That is your God- not mine.

February 10th- Taylor Swift, Rod Laver Arena.
February 11th- Taylor Swift, 'Valentine's Day' movie.
February 11th- Taylor Swift, Rod Laver Arena.
February 23rd- Paramore.
February sometime- Mel and Chelsi come home.


February seems to be the best month of my entire life!

http://www.formspring.me/shleebag

I'm not that girl.
I never was that girl.
And I'm sorry for ever making you think I was her. It was a lie.
I just hope you can forgive me once you find out who I really am. Because I can't afford to lose you. Ever.

la de da de da

I've been sitting here for the past hour or so, reading over all my posts. How the fuck did I let myself get so brainwashed in such bull shit? Believing in something that does not exsist.
I'd like to think it does, sure. But it doesn't. Believing in something that was nonexsistant. I wasted almost 3 years of my life. 3 years I'll never be able to get back.
Maybe half the duration was great, but the other half I spent beating myself up on why I was failing at life. Why I seemed to struggle when everybody else got to run free. It wasn't fair.
But now, now I'm the happiest person I've been in a long time And that's because I've started living for me.
Thankyou for my little revelation. I'm over you. I'm starting afresh.

To those I've hurt. I'm sorry.
To those who hurt me. I'm sorry.
And to my heart, I'm sorry you're not strong enough to handle the hurt. But thankyou for being strong enough to keep yourself together. I owe you.

January 20th, 2010.

I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.
Your choice to believe it or not.
It's also your choice to say you 'believe in me', and that you'll 'stand by me no matter what'. But it's my choice to truly believe that or not. And I don't.
I think I deserve to be able to make my own decisions. My own choices. I'm sick to fucking death of you encouraging me and telling me what you say you 'mean', but your actions speak so differently, it's not even funny anymore.
I love you so very much, but it hurts my heart terribly whenever you try your hardest to make me feel I can shine. I don't want to go on feeling like this major fuck up and let down. This is who I am. This is all I will ever live up to be.
And once again, you have the choice to believe that or not. It's up to you.
I miss you.

well, it's been a while since i've been on here...

you've all asked for a post.
i'm sorry that this will be a let down.
i'm just not able to let the words flow out of my fingers.
maybe there is no words.
but i'll try. i'll try expose my inner self. my inner thoughts.
i'm sorry it's taken me this long just to write this.

want

I haven't posted anything on here in days.
And I don't know why.
Maybe I'm sick of writing it all out, and reading over and over it and just remembering why I felt that way, or what triggered it.
I want action. And the action I want is something bigger. Something better.
And that only comes from ME pushing forward.
And in order to do that, I mustn't be constantly writing about why I feel so God-damned shit all the time. But I must STAND UP and CHOOSE to press on.
And that's what I'm doing.
And that's what I'm going to continue to do.
Because I just can't live in misery any longer.
And I have to be the one to change things. I want to change things.
I want to.